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Author Name: FreeCeeCee 5 Comments
Date Added: October 20, 2007 09:10:44 Average Score: (Needs 2)
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Morning's Light
Midway in this journey,
I fell into a cavern of grief.
My bones broke,
and my soul now quivers in pain.
Yet, my heart still pumps
and my voice still speaks--strike that--it shouts:
"Make my life count!"
"Make my life count!"
Prayer words echoing into the night
until finally, exhausted, silence blankets me
and sorrow becomes my pillow.
I will wait for morning's light as it holds hands with hope
and rescues me.
 
 
 
 
 
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Comments:
Comment By: Freeabby on November 4, 2007 09:45:06 AM Report
A dark but hopeful piece. Your poems underline hope and redemption

Welldone Ceecee,

Abby

Comment By: FreeAlison Storm Wolf on October 22, 2007 05:24:37 PM Report
indeed it does...and not only that...but it comes with fresh perspective...new hope...
for all those who fall will be lifted

I appreciated the heart felt agony of expression here

Ali x

Comment By: PremiumDavid Turner on October 21, 2007 11:12:32 AM Report
Hi CeeCee - This is brilliant - a precis of Dante's Inferno in 13 lines - only you should have made it 12 to honour the terza rima of the original!-)

 

Seriously though a powerful piece - are you really feeling abandoned and condemned like Dante?

Dante had Beatrice helping him in heaven but you have the whole of Creative Poems if you need it.

 

Did you realise that you had commenced the piece with the words of Dante (In English of  course -Dorothy L Sayers translation I think)

 

Holding a little light for your darkness,

 

David

CANTO 1

MIDWAY upon the journey of our life
I found myself within a forest dark,
For the straightforward pathway had been lost.

Ah me! how hard a thing it is to say
What was this forest savage, rough, and stern,
Which in the very thought renews the fear.

So bitter is it, death is little more;
But of the good to treat, which there I found,
Speak will I of the other things I saw there.

I cannot well repeat how there I entered,
So full was I of slumber at the moment
In which I had abandoned the true way.

But after I had reached a mountain's foot,
At that point where the valley terminated,
Which had with consternation pierced my heart,

Upward I looked, and I beheld its shoulders
Vested already with that planet's rays
Which leadeth others right by every road.

Then was the fear a little quieted
That in my heart's lake had endured throughout
The night, which I had passed so piteously

And even as he, who, with distressful breath,
Forth issued from the sea upon the shore,
Turns to the water perilous and gazes;

So did my soul, that still was fleeing onward,
Turn itself back to re-behold the pass
Which never yet a living person left.

After my weary body I had rested,
The way resumed I on the desert slope,
So that the firm foot ever was the lower.


Comment By: FreeBarbara Demasson on October 20, 2007 01:41:17 PM Report
Cari, you speak of grief, you wish to portray it in this poem, therefore, try not tell us that it is grief you are wishing to convey, instead, show us grief by your descriptiveness.

 

This line, "I fell into a cavern of grief" could be simply, "I fell into a cavern" My advice to you is to remove excess words that are not needed, tighten this up. For example, "Prayer words echoing into the night" , try, "Prayer echoes in the night"

 

Another example of tightening is here: "and my voice still speaks--strike that--it shouts:", try, "A voice within shouts"

 

"until finally, exhausted, silence blankets me", perhaps, "Silence blankets me" or "Exhausted, silence blankets me"

 

Watch your line breaks Cari. I'll tighten and break this next section for your consideration. "I will wait for morning's light as it holds hands with hope" is too long a breath. Perhaps, "I wait for morning's light" (line break here)

 

You have strong verbs within this piece, that gives this poem its strength. Your struggle is felt by the reader.

 

We all want to make a difference. Sadly, the journey is often a painful one. Lovely thoughts here Cari. Press on!

 

~Barbara~

 

 

Comment By: PremiumShe Whispers on October 20, 2007 10:16:09 AM Report
Cee Cee < The darkness hides so much
.but the light brings forth what it takes to live.
I love this poem..((
I will wait for morning's light as it holds hands with hope

and rescues me.

 

 ~ Hugs ~ She Whispers






 


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