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Author Name: Freehashmiabbas 4 Comments
Date Added: May 21, 2006 03:05:18 Average Score: (Needs 2)
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Type: Unspecified
Category: Love Add To Favorites | Text Only
 
My Love

More sweet the drink will yield for thee

The more you hold your thirst

My love, I have waited more than the oyster

who waits for the pearl

Come henceforth, my arms are aching 

Hug me for I might fall down 

Take me as your slave or give me thy love 

I cant wait more

I cant wait long.

(edited and revised on suggessions from Barbara.D)

Author's Notes:

this was the original write;

"More sweet the drink will yield for thee

The more you hold your thirst

My love I waited more than oyster

who waited for the pearl

Come henceforth my arms are aching 

Hug me for I might fall down 

Take me slave or give me thy love 

I cant wait more I cant wait long. "

But the icing was done upon comments on Barbara.D.

Thanx Barbara.

Abbas

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Comments:
Comment By: FreeShe Whispers on July 29, 2006 04:16:39 PM Report
Abbas,  This is truely amazing poem yo two have done a great job with this poem.. 

My love, I have waited more than the oyster


who waits for the pearl

THis says it all the very heart of the poem.. >>lovely.... ((    // She//
Comment By: FreeBarbara Demasson on May 25, 2006 03:00:24 AM Report
Abbas, I have really enjoyed the tender longing you have expressed in this poem! Well done!

You have used lovely phrases, the oyster and the pearl was an excellent way to describe your waiting. I do believe there are a couple of words missing. Try, "My love, I have waited more than the oyster
who waits for the pearl"

Okay, this poem is romantic and does shows desire, it is the stepping stone to physical coupling but it is not erotica. First off, I would advise you to change the category and give this beautiful poem a fitting title.

Note the comma usage in the suggestion above. I think it is fitting here as well. "Come henceforth, my arms are aching"

"Take me as your slave or give me thy love", how do you like it with "as your" added in this sentence?

"I cant wait more I cant wait long.", I suggest these be on two separate lines.

Wonderful penning Abbas! Write on!

~Barbara~






Comment By: FreeGlata on May 24, 2006 07:52:15 AM Report
Very tastefully done, Abbas...not exactly erotica, but a passionate write, indeed!
Glata
Comment By: Freecyma khan on May 22, 2006 09:37:43 AM Report
ummm....very nice
keep writting
God bless u




 


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