(This is a modern re-imagining of Snow White with a slightly mature theme for a book I am currently mulling over writing, I consider this to be a draft copy as I always believe it could be improved in some ways)
Once upon a time well actually Monday the 5th of May 2008 at 10:15am, an unnamed english actress was staring outside her window at the hunky postman. Because she was distracted, she pricked her finger on her needle and a drop of blood fell on the her windowsill. As she looked at the blood on the windowsill she said to herself "Oh, how I wish I’d had that tetanous shot". This really has nothing to do with the story except she probably went to a doctor and found out she was pregnant because we find out in the next paragraph that she gave birth.
Soon after that, the actress gave birth to a baby girl who had very pasty skin . Because of a recent trend of stupid names that had come all the way from Hollywood they named her Princess Snow White. The actress soon died, perhaps in childbirth or maybe embarrasment.
A few years later the widowed husband ran out of supermarket adverts to do and in an attempt to get himself in the tabloids again took a new wife who was beautiful, but very vain, and who possessed supernatural powers (so in short someone who just got voted off a reality tv show). Now supposedly she also possessed a magical mirror that answered any question, to whom she would often ask "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is fairest of them all?" and to which the mirror would always reply "'Tis you". But lets face it the truth is much more simple than magic mirrors and all that.
Take note: if you talk to your mirror and more importantly it talks back. Then you don’t have a magic mirror at all, what you have is schizophrenia. Anyways eventually the “magic mirror” told her that basically she was getting a bit rough around the edges and Snow White was getting hot.
The step mother was jealous, and ordered a hitman to take Snow White into the woods to be killed. She demanded that the hitman return with Snow White's heart as proof. The hitman took Snow White into the nearest field as he wasn’t getting paid by by the hour, but after raising his pistol to “bust a cap”, took pity on the girl and found himself unable to kill her. Instead, he let her go, telling her to flee and hide, and brought the step mother a heart of a lamb he’d brought from a local butchers and placed under his armpit to warm it up.
At the other end of the field deep in the trees, Snow White (who obviously watched no horror movies ever) discovered a tiny cottage belonging to seven little people (Grumpy, Doc, Happy, Sneezy, Bashful, Sleepy, and Dopey) as the term dwarfs is not politically correct, where she rested. Meanwhile, the step mother using the powers of google while still claiming it was a magic mirror found out that Snow White was still alive and living with 7 little people.
Three times the step mother disguised herself and visited the “little people’s” cottage trying to kill Snow White. First, disguised as a member of a fanatic religious sect, the step mother tried to bore Snow White to death. After an hour of listening Snow White actually fainted from bordom, and the step mother took her for dead. Snow White was revived by the “little people” when they chucked cold water over her.
Next, the step mother dressed as an avon lady combed Snow White's hair with a poisoned comb. Snow White again collapsed but the poison was brought on ebay and wasn’t as powerful as described so the “little people” again saved her (also the step mother opnened a buyer dispute the resolution is still pending to this day).
Lastly the step mother made a poisoned apple, and in the disguise of a farmer's wife offered it to Snow White. Snow White may have been slow but she wasn’t a total moron and didn’t take the apple. By now the step mother was pretty peev’d and pulled out a length of steel pipe and smacked Snow White across the back of the head.
Somehow falling for the oldest villian trick in the book the wicked step mother left Snow White without actually checking she was dead.. When the “little people” found her, they couldn’t be arsed to try and revive her as the waiting times at the local hospital often broke the 3 hour mark, and instead decided it would be easier to let her die and so they placed her in a glass coffin.
As the “little people” shoved Snow White into her coffin an undertaker driving past saw Snow White in her coffin. The undertaker was enchanted by her beauty and instantly fell in love with her. He begged the “little people” to let him have the coffin. The “little people” a little disturbed by the undertakers love for a dead chick decided that Snow White’s coffin was hard to keep finger print free and although it was making quite a good table the room it took up could be put to better use and so agreed that the creepy undertaker could have her.
As the undertaker tried to load Snow White’s coffin into the back of his hearse his hands slipped and dropped the glass coffin causing it to smash and also to give Snow White one heck of a rude awakening. The undertaker then declared his love for Snow White and proposed. Snow White after being pretty much a maid for 7 little lazy guys figured that a swap for one big lazy guy was probably a good one and she was a little desperate so the wedding was arranged.
The crazy step mother was happy believing that Snow White was dead and everything would have been rosey except the step mother brought a woman’s lifestyle magazine with the title “My Husband proposed when he thought I was dead in a coffin….surrounded by 7 little people and my step mother tried to kill me….3 times”.
This was the final straw the step mother called Jerry Springer and got a slot on the show, it started pretty positive with both females pouring out their feelings, but ended with the step mother trying to kill Snow White…..again. Luckily the security broke it up and the step mother was arrested. Her defense that a magic mirror had told her to do it, this story went down well with the court and instead of being made to wear hot shoes till she died she got the following: A 3 month probabtion order, 2 days in a local health spa and an exemption from the 10 pence tax rate cut.
She is currently brokering deals to manage Chelsea Football club, a judge slot on American Idol and a part on the sequel movie to sex in the city. The wicked step mother also came 3rd in the guiness book of records for most failed attempts to kill someone, just behind the Joker from Batman and Wile E Coyote.
Snow White left her husband a few months later when he suggested she pretended to be a little more dead in the bedroom. She also tried unsuccesfully to launch a singing career under the name Snow Lo and the single “Snow Flakes in my heart, you wanted me dead” however Snow White still believes she could win the 2009 Euro Vision song contest, Terry Wogan is not so optimistic.
Snow White’s husband was last seen on a documentary for people with weird sexual fantasies, there is a video of it that still gets around 5 thousand hits a day on youtube. *1p from every sale of this book goes towards his therapy.
And of the dwar…”little people”
Doc went onto the tv show “the apprentice” but was fired when it was reavelled he was actually taller than sir Alan Sugar. He has plans for Big Brother next year as well as campaigning for Little People have talent.
Grumpy managed to get a job working for a well known tv and broadband cable operator answering the phones, he’s never been more miserable and neither has his customers.
Happy after living so many years with 6 other brothers eventually turned to drink to get through each day, he was last seen sleeping on park benches with a brown paper bag and fighting a pigeon for some bread crumbs. I heard that the pigeon won but the pigeon was unavailable for comment when I contacted him.
Sleepy became desperate to do his part in the war against terror joined the US army who’s newest motto was “we’ll take anyone” sadly while in Afghanistan Sleepy lived up to his name shortly after pulling the pin out of a live grenade. His body was shipped home in a banana crate to save on costs.
Bashful shrugged off his name and became a well known adult movie star, with such films as Bashful Bashes 1, and Big Bad Bashful XXX. There are continuing debates over Bashful’s close friendship with his male director but nothing has been confirmed…yet.
Sneezy became the spokesperson for a well known brand of hayfever medicine until he was recently caught in the back of his car with a call girl. His wereabouts is unknown at present.Dopey ended up doing drug trials for a while as no one else was stupid enough to do it but after 4 months Dopey decided to change careers. And entered America’s next top model and came 2nd, his cover on Vogue was the fastest selling cover for the company in over 5 months.