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Author Name: FreeLen 17 Comments
Date Added: August 13, 2008 00:08:21 Average Score: (Needs 2)
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Category: Humor Add To Favorites | Text Only
 
~Unofficial Autobiography of Adam~

The very first thing I remember is me on my back, with a hot mouth over mine. Somebody is blowing air into my lungs. I open my eyes and see this guy, pulling away. He's a kindly-looking fella with a long, white beard. A booming voice says..."I GIVE THEE LIFE"!

I'm more than a little confused at this point. "I hope this isn't our first date," I manage to say, "cause you're getting a little familiar there, buddy."

He disappears like he's made of smoke. I'm left there scratching my head. I get up on my feet and look around. There's green everywhere, and tasty-looking stuff hanging all over the trees.

It occurs to me, I don't know who the heck I am! Suddenly, a name pops into my head...ADAM! It has a certain ring to it so, I decide to go with it.

I'm beginning to wonder if that overly-friendly, bearded guy was really ever there. I walk over and pluck something off a tree. I have no idea what it is, but I take a bite and it's GREAT! I decide to call it...a PEACH.

For two days I gorge myself and name fruit. My name is ADAM and I like FRUIT! That's about all the knowledge I can muster for the moment. This place is REALLY wonderful, but it comes to me...I am bored, SPITLESS! Something is definitely missing.

Just then, that VOICE is booming in the sky. "FROM THY RIB, I SHALL MAKE YOU A MATE!"

I just about have a HEART ATTACK! The world turns gray and fades to black.

Here I am, flat on my BACK again! The first thing I notice is a pain in my side. The second thing I notice is someone standing over me. "Thank GOD it isn't that BEARDED guy!" I hear myself say. I slap my forehead. "So THAT'S who that guy is!"

What's standing over me smiling is something QUITE different! I think about my life up to this point. I woke up two days ago with God breathing the breath of life into me. Since then, I've been eating and naming fruit, and dealing with the diarrhea.

This God fella seems to know what I'm thinking. I have to admit, that creeps me out a little. I was just THINKING how this joint was missing something, then he knocks me out and I wake up to THIS!

This creature has INTERESTING lobes on its chest. I find myself on my knees, in front of...HER. Funny how I know she's a 'HER,' but I do. I start touching these orbs, in wonder.

"So, tell me," I say, "don't I know you from somewhere?"

The creature looks disgusted and rolls her eyes.

I try again. "Do you come here OFTEN?"

Two for two and going down in flames. "You're the most beautiful thing I have EVER met," I tell her.

BINGO! The wo...MAN smiles from ear to ear. Since I haven't MET another creature, this seems like the dumbest line of all to me, but vanity seems to be her weak spot. I suddenly get the notion she would like flowers. I figure out what flowers are and run over by the pond and pick a big, red one. I hand it to her, naming it, STINK WEED!

She doesn't like that name and calls it a ROSE. We agree that she names all the flowers and I'll name all the critters scurrying about.

She walks over to take a dip in the pond. Something about the way her behind is swaying gives me this strange feeling I can't quite identify.

"ADAM!" that voice booms from above again, "EAT NOT THE FRUIT FROM THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE!"

"I WISH you wouldn't DO that, God," I squeak. "I just WET myself!"

I see this tree by the pond start to GLOW. "I take it, that's the forbidden fruit tree, eh?"

"ALL OTHERS, YOU MAY EAT FRUIT, THEREOF," God bellows on. "TASTE NOT THE FRUIT OF GOOD AND EVIL!"

Just then, this long, stick-like thing slithers past me. It gives me a dirty look on its way to the pond.

The woman is just coming out of the water. I swear, she starts TALKING with this...THING! While the woman is talking to the slithery nightmare, I decide to call it...a BUFFALO!

This long, squirming buffalo is talking to the woman. I can hear its hissing voice as it speaks to her. That hiss changes my mind on the buffalo thing. I decide to call it a SNEAK!" Descriptive, but...SNAKE! Yeah, it looks like how it sounds.

Now I know three things. My name is ADAM...I like naming friuit and animals...and I LIKE the woman creature. I'm thinking, who needs that old tree of knowledge, anyway? My head is just FILLED with plenty of GREAT stuff!

Oh, no!...WHAT the heck is she DOING? She picks one of the forbidden fruit! She's calling me over with that smile of hers. The snake slithers away as I approach, shooting me another dirty look.

I join her under the tree as she takes a bite. She tells me how delicious it is. She tells me how CLEAR things have become.

Oh, well...can't have her think I'm a wuss or anything. I take a bite. I find myself waving my fingers slowly in front of my face. My fingers are leaving these colorful TRAILS in the air!

OOHHH...AHHH!..WOW! Everything looks DIFFERENT! Strange thoughts start going through my head. I know much MORE than three things now. In fact, I know so much more than I can understand! My head is floating in a very strange place. The woman has beautiful rainbow colors around her face, and my feet feel like they're growing into the ground.

And I'm uncomfortable about being NAKED! Where did THAT come from? I peek at my Johnson. {I'd named it earlier} Suddenly, it seems...SMALL!

I look at the woman. She's covering her furry patch and blushing. We scurry to a fig tree, plucking a bunch of leaves. Using small vines, we sew them together. My Johnson and her WHATEVER are covered now.

"ADAM!"...AGAIN with the VOICE!

"We gotta HIDE, babe," I whisper to her. "I've been watching rocks melt and morph into turtles and shit! I can't talk to THE MAN like THIS! What the hell is IN those apples, ANYWAY?" We run and hide in the foliage.

The big boss comes strolling through the garden. "ADAM!...WHERE ART THOU?"

I peek out from behind the bushes. "Well, ya see," I stammer, "I heard your voice in the garden, and I was naked...so I hid myself."

"THEE HAVE EATEN THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT!"

I start thinking with my new understanding of how to play the game. "You might say that, God," I smile. "I wasn't ABOUT to touch that tree, out of respect for you. This WOMAN you gave me put a spell on me with her feminine ways. Before I knew it, I found myself biting that apple thingy! You would NOT BELIEVE the things I started seeing! She set the WHOLE thing up with that sneak...I mean SNAKE! Honest, I'm the victim here, God!"

I give an accusing eye to the woman.

God gives an accusing eye to the woman.

Adam, I think to myself, you're home free, buddy!

First, the big guy says to the woman, "I WILL GREATLY MULTIPLY YOUR PAIN IN CHILDBEARING; IN PAIN YOU SHALL BRING FORTH CHILDREN, YET YOUR DESIRE SHALL BE WITH YOUR HUSBAND, AND HE SHALL RULE OVER YOU!"

Let me tell ya...just when I'm thinking I'm in the clear, it gets worse. God says he's kicking us OUT of EDEN! I was to work for a living, grow old and DIE! I am so ticked at this woman, I can't SEE straight.

But I decide I might as well make the best of things. The last thing I name is my new life's partner. I call her the Mother of Creation...EVE!

* * *

Well, that was then, and this is now. At first I really missed Paradise. I mean...I REALLY missed Paradise! That was a really prime gig! I didn't have to work. Everything was provided for me and Eve. It was ABSOLUTELY PERFECT!

That may have been the problem. Maybe it was a little TOO perfect. I've had to admit to myself, I would have bitten that apple, sooner or later. I think that's what His Bigness had in mind, all along. We were given the choice; eternal life, without toil, in total ignorance, or a limited life, full of strife and finding answers to interesting questions. When he created a thinking creature, he knew what our response to choice would be.

I stopped blaming Eve for my problems, long ago. We have two beautiful sons to show for it and a third loaf in the oven. Just watching Caine and Abel playing so nicely makes it all worthwhile. They're just like two peas in a pod. I have great plans for those two boys!

The future just couldn't look any brighter.

Author's Notes:
This is a complete remake of one I wrote right after coming to this site, about fifty years ago..This one's for you, Aces.. :o)
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'~Unofficial Autobiography of Adam~' Copyright © Leonard Wilson
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Comments:
Comment By: PremiumMary Lou Allen on November 1, 2008 08:48:33 PM Report
Well done, len. I like it better than the first. Your writing keeps improving. Good for you. ML
Comment By: FreeCathy on September 13, 2008 10:14:15 AM Report
Len this is absolutely amazing in every detail you have such a wonderful creative mind and did such an excellent job with this, and you had me too pissing my pants reading this fun and very very funny I LOVE IT Every word of it!!!!!!!
Exceptional write
..........Cathy

Comment By: FreeWide Awake on September 6, 2008 05:52:04 PM Report
Len!  This is a masterpiece....with or without the BOOMING VOICE thingy you had me peeing my pants! LMAOROF

Of course...I forgot how many bible stories you've...pondered...and written about. 

Loved this friend. :o)

LOVED the ending....beautifully deduced thoughts....

I'm gonna hafta read all your bible story encapsulations....after...I buy some depends :o)))

Faves! :o)

Hugs,
Pamela

Comment By: PremiumJoe McNinney on August 19, 2008 04:31:42 AM Report
Amen brother, Amen! LOL! Joe
Comment By: FreeHenry M. on August 18, 2008 07:29:10 PM Report
LOL, I love when you write these stories Len! Your sense of humor is second to none! Great write!!  Henry
Comment By: FreeTodd on August 15, 2008 06:19:56 PM Report
Outragiously funny. A very good read.
Comment By: FreeHannah Mae on August 14, 2008 05:10:56 PM Report
lol, what? What the heck version are you reading, dude?

 

Besides, I don't think they knew american swear words...

 

spiked fruit...interesting...

 

~Shanna

Comment By: PremiumDavid Turner on August 14, 2008 07:54:50 AM Report
 No this is all wrong - in the Church of Woe Upon Man in which I was brought up
the true story goes like this.

On the Sixth day God made Woman. "Eve, " He said"For so shall you be
called who is to be the mother of all mankind. Walk here in this lovely
glade in the middle of the garden I have made for you. and rest yourself
- it has been a long and exhausting day. I will come back later to say
good night and tuck you in. Tomorrow you may wander about in the Garden of
Eden for all of the seventh day and ernjy yourself. I shall come back on
Monday morning to see how you are getting on."

"Tuck me in!" thought Eve - " You go fuck yourself - think again
sunshine, I am having none of that funny business." But feeling very tired
after giving birth to herself Eve obeyed and went to sleep. When god came
back he asked her how she was - "Fine just Fine" she said "And I can
manage to yuck myself in OK!"

"OK," said God, " but is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Yeeesss" she said, "Its theese three breasts you gave me when you made
me. The one in the middle keeps pushing the two on the outside under my
arms and make it difficult to get to sleep and besides I think having
three rather spolis the suymetry of my figure and my dress would look more
attractive with just two.

"Ok" said God and reaches out for the middle breast - before Eve can
scream "Get your hands off me you perve" he has grasped it firmly
completed the mastectomy without leaving a scar and thrown the offending
breast over a bush. "How is that ? Any better?" says God. Eve shuffles her shoulders around moves her arms abou and replies, "Yeah, thats a lot better thanks they don't keep bumping into each other and  I should be able to get some sleep tonight."

The next day the Sun was out so she called it Sunaday and she looked about
the garden of Eden that God had made for her. She looked in the pools did
her up a hundered different ways - squeezed berry juice on her lips rubbed
red bark over her cheeks, painted her eyes with black mould. Made lists of
the plants and what to have for tea for the next week. Showered under the
waterfull - made up all over again. Muttered, "How do I look Honey? Go and
feth me that teazel to straighten this hair out and while you are at
there's some fruit needs picking over by the lake."
Then she stopped - "Who am I talking to?" She wondered. Yes I know I need
a man! When that big prick God comes come back I shall put in a complaint!

The next morning God came down to see how Eve was faring.

He was just about able to say, "Eve, how..."
When Eve began, "This is a boring old dump you have dumped me in - the
beds are very scratchy and hard, There is no where to cook - what sort of
kitchen do you call this? A pool where you have to draw water AND wash up,
only sharp stones foir knives and sticks for forks - no cooker - so every
meal has to be cold. I should report you to the heavenly council for
sub-stanndard accommodation - but worst of all there are NO servants! Where are the men??? All the other animals have got males to look afterv them and do all the heavy dangerous work why Haven't I? And its lonely here with no one to boss araound or nag at or blame for every little thing that goes wrong! "
"Yes I see, "  said God thoughtfully " I just thought that a woman would be  completely self sufficient and not need a companion. O well I can see that I was wrong. Are you sure you want me to do this?"

"I told you didn't !? How many times do I have to tell you - you never listen to me!"

"Well allright" said God, "but I need something to work on. I can't make something out of nothing anymore - I used up all the nothing making the world and I used up all the clay making you and anyway you can make a woman out of something slippery like clay but not a man - you need real flesh and blood to make a man. I know" he exclaimed, "Where is that silly tit I threw away yesterday?!!"



Comment By: FreeShe Whispers on August 13, 2008 10:20:10 PM Report
Len,

 Now what can I say that has not been said???
 This version is the best.... Your  something... I do hope this is published!!! Hugs ~ She Whispers

Comment By: FreeEvelyn Wilson on August 13, 2008 07:22:05 PM Report
Your version of the Adam and Eve story makes it almost believable.I truely enjoyed every word.

Comment By: FreeSteve on August 13, 2008 12:19:23 PM Report
This could be the greatest discovery since the Dead Sea Scrolls.  The Book of Len !  It speaks of the three Wisemen Curly, Larry and  Moe.  Along with the Real Adam played by Len.  This could be your first miracle Len.  A historically correct interpretation.  
Comment By: FreeLady Dragonwyck on August 13, 2008 11:48:24 AM Report
Len:  LOVE this.  I think you have the story down really good -- thanks for reposting.

 

Lady D --- loves mangoes and papayas

Comment By: FreeRoger Bacon on August 13, 2008 11:17:46 AM Report
Awesome as usual.  You tell it like it is without getting into conflict with readers.  You should publish all these in a 'Bible for Dummies' format. 
Comment By: Freeb doneff on August 13, 2008 07:46:59 AM Report
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Len..this is tops, absolutley hysterical! This is so much more the way I imagined it to be...now, if you could compile all this into one book, call it a bible, I think you'd really hgave something..hell, you do anyhow.
This was great stuff Len!
NH

Comment By: PremiumDavid Turner on August 13, 2008 06:28:18 AM Report

Comment By: FreeQuiltingLady on August 13, 2008 01:49:06 AM Report
Amazing!  Just a regular guy telling his life story and soooooo funny!

Pen

Comment By: PremiumLindaM on August 13, 2008 12:56:40 AM Report
You had me smiling all the way through this irreverent, funny, and
totally entertaining piece. It's the first time I have read this one I think.
Loved it!
Linda





 


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