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Author Name: Freebjb 3 Comments
Date Added: December 17, 2012 23:12:02 Average Score: (Needs 2)
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Type: Rhyming
Category: Broken Hearts Add To Favorites Listen To Poem | Text Only
 
Only Smoke Cigarettes
I only smoke cigarettes
On the days I think about you
(On the days I think about you)
I only smoke cigarettes
On the days I think about you
And I'm about to quit smoking
(About to quit smoking)
Because I only smoke cigarettes
On the days I think about you

The rest I don't need you
Or your nicotine kiss
Like temporary bliss
I don't always need her

But it's early December
I want something I remember
Like the tingle in my blood
Like the race in my heart
I need the taste of a spark
Like dying slowly in my sleep
I need something that's going to creep
Into my head and not forget
I need something I'll regret

That's all that seems familiar
Something I remember
So I smoke cigarettes
On the days I think about you
And I can't wait to quit smoking
(Can't wait to quit smoking)
Author's Notes:
Quickly written just now in the box above, part of it's been stuck in my head forever

The repeated lines are echoes

I'll prolly edit it into something later
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Comments:
Comment By: FreeMarel Sorensen on January 1, 2016 07:37:59 PM Report
Hello! I'm impressed with your main idea. You are quite right. It needs to be edited. I would go through it and take out everything that was not concerned with my main idea. Then restate that idea from several directions. Don't get too far away from I only smoke when I think of you and I'm going to be quitting cause I'm almost over you but sometimes the thought of your habit forming nicotine kiss causes me to fumble for a cigarette again. ( Oops! What a sentence!) Nice going...Marel
Comment By: FreeA.P. on December 16, 2008 07:45:47 PM Report
i like where this is going, the idea of it is really cool and can be a really powerful statement.  You have some great lines in this that I felt were well done, like "But it's early December/ I want something to remember" and "Like dying slowly in my sleep/ Where dreams have been"...the only thing i'd suggest to tighten this up/keep that strength throughout is to let some vagueness speak for you, i.e. "Can't wait to quit smoking"...maybe saying that in a more subtle way, like
"So I smoke cigarettes
On the days I think about you
and I regret
every drag"
or something...i don't know...I hate giving out suggestions when I'm not sure if people are asking for them...so just disregard if you don't want them haha....
but otherwise, yeah, i really like the idea/intention in this piece.

Comment By: FreeS on December 16, 2008 06:42:55 PM Report
i think the first stanza's repetition is a little to much 
maybe you were going for song like feeling to it i dunno

but i like the meaning of it
pretty clever

good stuff
shoaib 





 


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