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Author Name: Freela-la908 2 Comments
Date Added: October 04, 2009 23:10:10 Average Score: (Needs 2)
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Category: Short Stories Add To Favorites | Formatted Version
3.56. It was at this time on a rain-on-the-car window monday afternoon that I decided to make a life altering change. You see, I have the blues, the nagging heavyness to my steps as I walk to my room for another sleepless night. My therapist in shining armour calls my heavyness 'depression'. After living  (or not living) for five years with the can't-get out of bed in the morning feeling that nags at my thoughts I was told last week that I indeedly have depression. I didn't know how to feel after the news, no one ever tells you how to react or the helpful things to say. I sat in the room I have sat for a year and cried. Actually, it was more than crying, it was the howling but not quite like a wolf, it was the anger but not like a storm. Definatley not. I was infact feeling ver numb. Numbness isn't a new thing to me. Numbness is the shivers when you've past shivering because you can't pay your electric bills, 'cos you don't show up to work and they don't give you your request for sick leave because they can see nothing physically wrong with you. This numbness is total emptiness.
So you see I had to do something about myself. No person could make it go away by listening to me for an hour a week, two hours if I was lucky to be so well looked after. Aparantly I had no friends, they were just 'aquanintences' to my therapist because I didn't pour out my life's struggles into their cups of sugared tea over afternoon greetings. I always had my tea with no milk or no sugar. I like to taste what is really there. I was driving along in the rain, I adore the rain, I was zoned out. Zoned out like when I drive my head is a host to many conversations with itself and then I click like a romote control button and realise "Hey, I just zoned out". After the conversation that I had with myself at 3.55pm I then realised at 3.56 pm that I need to make a change. The rain was relentless on my red matchbox car's roof, it added to the intencity of the last conversation I had just had before, actually I had just been shouting at myself. The murmur of other concersations esculated my main conversation to a yell, I wasn't even listening though. I was zoned out.
I decided I was going out tonight. That was my cange to start all changes. For the last time had I cried into the carpet at night throught mixed frustration and numbness of being unsleepable. meaninging that I was ungrabbable by sleep, unnurtured by slee, I was 'un' everything.
What would I wear? Would I simply be too embarased to go out at all? or worse, would I fall asleep at the table?
Too bad, I was taking control of my conversationable mind. It had had too much plain tea.
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'Unfinished' Copyright © Mahala Rose
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Comment By: Freee. Gene Myers on October 5, 2009 08:40:10 AM Report
Too close to home.
Comment By: Freee. Gene Myers on October 5, 2009 07:54:47 AM Report
Too close to home.


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