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Author Name: FreeTashtego57 24 Comments
Date Added: March 30, 2010 12:03:07 Average Score: (Needs 2)
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Conscience's Burden - a Retourne

May’s downpour casts an edgy mood.

Restful sleep eludes his control.

The weight of sin comes crashing in,

Latent lunacy stirs his soul.

 

Restful sleep eludes his control.

Night thunder - a clarion call

And the old clock’s plaintive ticking

Conspires against blissful repose.

 

The weight of sin comes crashing in,

A battering ram to the soul.

Where dormant conscience roars to life

With no escape from his remorse.

 

Latent lunacy stirs his soul.

Regrets scream for soul-soothing salve.

Night’s depths deceitfully promise

Shallow succor to shallow man.


Author's Notes:
A few tweaks made, made at the insightful suggestions of my coach without peer....
 
Before Pamela L. (poetry coach without peer) challenged me with this, I would have told you a "Retourne" was some sort of french pastry.  She corrected me with the following definition:
 
Like so many other French forms, the Retourne is all about repetition. It contains four quatrains (four-line stanzas), and each line has eight syllables. The trick is that the first stanza's second line must also be the second stanza's first line, the first stanza's third line is the third stanza's first, and the first stanza's fourth line is the fourth stanza's first. Retournes do not have to rhyme.
 
My prompt was: Spring Rain
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Comments:
Comment By: FreeThe Bag Lady on July 9, 2010 11:01:24 AM Report
My, my, Andrew....This was a labor of love~!!  Such discipline within the work!  I will try one of these,..((probably won't have the luck that you did))...I am so very proud to be the 26th, yes.....26th comment upon your work~!!  CONGRATZ on the AWARD, my poetic friend~!!
Aunt Margaret....readin' Andrew~!!

Comment By: FreeBarbara Demasson on June 9, 2010 01:32:44 AM Report
This is my favorite of all of your poems...LOVE IT! You have definitely earned this award fair and square...excellent penning Andrew. Wowowow...you have grown so much as a writer in such a short time...I'm thrilled to see the growth! Fine work!

~Barbara~ *plucking this beauty to keep as a favorite*

Comment By: FreeKelli on April 22, 2010 04:13:55 PM Report
What a well deserved award Andrew! Great piece!
Comment By: FreeTanya Harrison on April 17, 2010 02:16:47 PM Report
Congratulations Andrew!  I loved your poem.
Comment By: FreeCindy Bendel on April 14, 2010 02:16:25 PM Report
Congratulations on this wonderful penning! You rock!
~Cindy 

Comment By: PremiumMary Lou Allen on April 14, 2010 09:10:00 AM Report
Well done, Andrew. An unique treatment of a common problem. Congratulations on the award. Always love seeing it go to the truly deserving. You have an excellent mentor. I've learned a lot from her. ML
Comment By: FreePamela A. Lamppa on April 14, 2010 06:22:20 AM Report
Congratulations on your award Andrew.   You have written a very fine Retourne and as you can see, the proof is in the pudding.  YAY.  *hug*  You are a star pupil.  ~Pamela
Comment By: FreeMelody on April 12, 2010 11:18:10 AM Report
YAY Andrew :]]]]]]]] congrats
Comment By: FreesHeRi on April 12, 2010 10:38:49 AM Report
I know this was a challenge for you since you mentioned that too me...which makes this award all so much more gratifying...I loved it the first time I read it now it holds it's value.

Congrats Andrew-you deserve it.

Sheri

Comment By: FreeLady Dragonwyck on April 12, 2010 09:14:31 AM Report
Andrew:  Super Congratulations for the Feature Poem Award.  Now you KNOW doing form poetry is a good thing.

 

Lady D

Comment By: FreeJennifer on April 12, 2010 08:22:03 AM Report
a bil ol congrats is in order CONGRATS! you deserve this!
JEN Your friend

Comment By: FreeGlata on April 12, 2010 07:31:42 AM Report
Well, congrats, Adnrew!

Glad indeed to see this award on your page! Very deserving!

Hugs...

Glata

Comment By: FreeLinda Jo on April 11, 2010 11:09:50 PM Report
well I might have entered a late comment ...but let me be the first to congratulate you on the Featured Award!  you did a great job on the form as well as the content...if I could pick a new favorite line it would be, "regrets scream for soul-soothing salve". Congratulations, Andrew!
Comment By: FreeHannah Mae on April 9, 2010 01:12:14 AM Report
The form reminds me a bit of a pantoum. I like it! It's interesting :D Thanks for sharing

~Shanna

 

 

Comment By: PremiumDan J. Mazurek on April 4, 2010 09:01:10 AM Report
very good andrew

It's  going to my favorites to challenge me too

What  a beginner like me looks forward to do.

Comment By: FreeLinda Jo on April 3, 2010 04:07:43 PM Report
well Andrew, here I am again...dragging along in last place but I really wanted to share my enthusiasm for this piece.  It really echos your feelings of second chances and seeking redemption...regrets, remorse...and "a dormant conscience roaring to life"...(loved that line)  so many good lines here...too many to count.  Great form and style...I must try to write a retourne...but maybe i need some chocolate first...
Comment By: FreePamela A. Lamppa on April 1, 2010 10:39:53 AM Report
*smile*  I like your clock line better too. Excellent.
Comment By: FreeAminath Agleema on April 1, 2010 10:16:24 AM Report
powerful poem. It's awesome, great work.
Comment By: FreeTanya Harrison on March 31, 2010 10:04:21 PM Report
Bravo! I loved this poem.  Great job with the context, content, dealing with a new form of poem too!
Comment By: FreeMelody on March 31, 2010 08:49:51 PM Report
I love new forms and formats. And think you did an excellent job of this one. I haven't ventured out of my comfort zone yet :] but maybe your courage will inspire me :] Excelllent
Comment By: PremiumHOPE on March 30, 2010 06:26:48 PM Report
Andrew 
This is wonderfully written and what a challenge.  Superb job!
Ms. Tina  Dee

Comment By: FreeJennifer on March 30, 2010 05:41:42 PM Report
WooooWeeee!   There is a whole lotta hurt within these words. We all have demons. We all have pasts. It is important we Look forward and be  positive . Andrew I get so excited in a kid kind of way every time I write a poem. "Specially one that is a challenge, such as this. I have a big ear to ear smile for you right now, "scept this poem, is sooo sad.  See that just proves it is good poetry when you hit personal chords with your reader. And this hits a chord, if ya know what I mean? Well, Glad to viiew this post and You did a fine job on trying something New! Good challenge!
Jen

Comment By: FreesHeRi on March 30, 2010 03:10:07 PM Report
It is so hard to construct a normal free style poetry form but to do this is brave. You are so good with trying this various styles and mastering them effortlessly..Bravo

Sheri

Comment By: FreeLady Dragonwyck on March 30, 2010 12:28:07 PM Report
Andrew:  lovely lovely -- I loved the last verse.  This is an excellent retourne -- and YES   Pamela is an excellent poetry form teacher.

 

Lady D





 


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