As i sit in the tub on a Tuesday night
Looking at my naked body with frank ocean playing in the background,
I calm myself down after a long day.
But then i start to notice my body.
I start to notice things in the hot water and the rising steam.
My past right in front of my eyes.
The scars which haunt me;and will continue to haunt me for the rest of my life.
Ill never be able to take the kids to the water park,
Going to the beach will never be the same,
and i cant never go into a hot tub with my friends in my 20's,30's,40's and maybe even 50's
Even though they might not see them. I will.
As these thoughts come to mind i start panicking.
Then i remember i forgot to refill my prescription so i panic more,
The more i start to panic, the more i cant feel or see whats going on around me.
I can feel my fingertips pressed up against my temples and the heart beat at the end of them.
I start to feel dizzy and think of these words
"i can always just get a tattoo, everything will be fine"
but will everything be fine?
I can never go back in time to when i was 16 years old,
Unknowingly making the biggest mistake of my life.
Which at the time felt like the only thing to stop me from making the mistake of ending it all.
Although ive accepted the marks ive placed on my body.
Nothing will get rid of the fact they are there for a lifetime.
And the older i get the more visible they will be
So, its Tuesday night January 10th, 2018.
Its been two years and five months since i last harmed myself ,
yet with all the shame and uncomfort i feel within myself
I feel accomplished and proud of how far ive come in these two years and five months
TBecause that is nothing anyone can take away from me.